Strong
by Cassie6
Summary: Syd falls apart and Vaughn is there, naturally, to pick up the pieces...
1. Prologue

**__**

Strong  
  
_Take my hand and never let go.  
Together we will be strong.  
  
I watch you, I see you,  
I hear you, I feel you.  
Your heart holds such pain,  
I know it in my soul.  
  
I see your tears,  
I hear you cry.  
I look deep into your eyes  
And I have nothing left to prove.  
  
You reach across and take my hand,  
Your smile wipes away my fears.  
  
Angel of mine,  
Don't ever leave my side,  
You know I'd never let you fall.  
  
Take my hand and never let go.  
Together we will be strong._  
  
**Prologue**  
  
When he got the phone call that afternoon, his heart stopped beating.  
  
_'Joey's Pizza?'_ a small voice asked quietly.  
  
The phone hit the desk as he grabbed his coat and keys. He was a blur of motion as he ran out of the office with everyone staring after him. 


	2. Chapter One

****

Chapter One  
  
_She's been gone for months!_ Vaughn thought to himself in disbelief.  
  
'Months.' he muttered to himself over and over like a mantra.  
  
He pulled up to the warehouse checking behind him yet again to make sure he wasn't followed. He wasn't exactly thinking clearly when he left the office but no one was going to accuse him of not doing his job. He walked into the warehouse barely containing himself, but he was hoping to gain some insight on the situation just by looking at her. 

That thought caught him off guard.  
What he would have given in the past weeks and months just to see her and now here she was. He allowed himself a couple of minutes before he made himself known to just look at her, to make sure this wasn't some joke.  
  
Her back was turned to him as he approached but she knew he was there.  
She turned and let out a sigh of relief,   
'Vaughn. Hey.'  
She casually sat down on a crate and looked up at him waiting for his reply.  
  
_What the Hell!_ Vaughn thought to himself. _She's acting so cool and calm, like she just saw me yesterday, when all I want to do is run to her, snatch her up in my arms and vow never to let her go again._  
'Hey.' he said to her, his voice laced with as much sarcasm as he could manage.  
  
At this, she got up and began to pace the small area that the cage allowed them. After what seemed like hours, she gingerly sat on the table that had served her as a chair so many times in the past.  


He stared at her incredulously. She was bidding her time, pulling herself together but she was severely pissing him off in the process. He willed her to speak, to say anything, just to hear her voice again, to know that this was real.  
  
Finally she began.  
  
For close to an hour, she relayed to him (in great detail) every second of her last mission so long ago. As she finished though, he realized that she wasn't going to say a single word about where she had been and what had happened to her.  
  
Something was wrong. This wasn't his Sydney.  
  
He tried that look he had when he knew she was hiding something from him but this time it didn't work, she wouldn't look at him. He noticed belatedly that she hadn't looked him in the eye since he got there, this scared him. He couldn't hold back any longer.   
'Do you want to tell me what really happened now?' purposely keeping his voice steady, already knowing that he wasn't going to like what she would tell him.  


She looked up at him sharply and their eyes met. He watched fascinated as the panic began to set in but behind this he saw an infinite pain and sadness. Sure there had been pain and sadness in her eyes before, it was one of the reasons she affected him so much, but this time the pain was on an entirely different level. Just seeing this small change in her, his heart ached. This is when the anger had set in and he clenched his fists to keep from hitting something.  


Several minutes passed and she was still staring at the floor. Vaughn tried desperately to think of something that would get her to open up and just talk to him, he couldn't take not knowing any longer. Having only the best intentions and secretly hoping for one of those smiles he liked to believe were just for him, he blurted out,  
'Are you going to tell me what happened, or do I have to beat it out of you?'   
She looked up at him and he felt the smile fade from his face.  
  
'Too late.' she whispered.  
  
In that moment his heart broke for her yet again.


	3. Chapter Two

****

Chapter 2  
  
'Too late.' she whispered.  
  
'What?' he said knowing in his broken heart what she was about to say.  
  
'Too late.' she said louder, looking at him with defiance.  
  
'What the hell happened Syd?' he asked feeling sick to his stomach.  
  
She waited a moment, then looked back up at him. The look that she gave him wasn't the defiant, strong Syd he knew and had just seen, but a broken, defeated Syd that he couldn't bare to imagine existed. She must have seen the look of pity on his face because she snorted in disgust then began.  
  
'The mission was going along as planned like I told you before and I was almost finished retrieving the intel that SD-6 wanted and that the CIA needed. I remember thinking to myself, _Man! This one was easy._' She looked at him, tables turned and deadpanned,  
'Famous last words, huh?'  


He didn't laugh but his eyes begged her to continue.  
  
She sighed and started to speak again as silent tears made their way down her face.   
_When did she start crying_ Vaughn thought.  
  
'How could I have been so stupid!?!' her eyes were the ones doing the begging now.  
  
The lack of conviction in her voice stunned Vaughn, usually something like this would have made her angry and upset. Instead she looked so tired and spent, she looked used. This was definitely a side of her that he never wanted to see again after this.  
  
'I'm supposed to be the best right? I mean, I'm KICK ASS Sydney Bristow aren't I? I should have know better....' she trailed off hiding her face from him, he knew she never wanted him to see her weak. This was about as weak as you could get.  


It took everything in him not to walk over, gather her in his arms and make all of the bad things go away. He needed to hear everything so he could help her, so he gave a wan smile when she finally looked at him again hoping to encourage her to continue.  
  
'I let my guard down Vaughn. I took one second that wasn't mine to take, and can you believe that I used it to think about what I was going to do when I got home...'  
  
'And...' he said, willing his voice not to break.  
  
'I never heard them coming.' she said quietly staring at nothing in particular, shuddering as she remembered.  
  
'Who Syd?' he asked as gently as he could.  
  
'I don't know who they were!' she said exasperated as she got off the table and began to pace again.  
'I assume they work for The Man, but I don't know... No one else knew I was there except SD-6 and you.'  
She started giggling manically through her tears and said,  
'Man! one of them could really pack a punch.'  
  
Again Vaughn didn't laugh.  
  
She shook herself back to reality and sobered as she continued.  
'There were about three of them but I just couldn't take them all, I was so tired. They had the element of surprise, and I gave it to them, so by the time I had the first guy down, the other two had me down. I kinda think I knew I was beat then and I just gave up. The next thing I remember, I woke up in a dark cold cell...'  
  
As she sat back down, Vaughn began to pace trying to digest what she was telling him. It wasn't so bad, they locked her up and she escaped, nothing she couldn't handle. His subconscious laughed at him when he tried this rationale.  
  
'They didn't just lock me up Vaughn, I could have handled that, Hell! Anyone could.'  
  
He stopped pacing and stared at her, realization slapping him in the face as her words slowly sank into him.  


'You were tortured for three months!' he whispered.  
  
She didn't say a word, she wouldn't even look at him.  


The wave of anger came first, then the disgust. Not of her though, never of her. He was sick to his stomach with the thought of what had happened to her. The only thing that ran through his head was _Why? Why her?..._  
  
Before he could think he was across the warehouse floor and had her in his arms swearing to himself that nothing was going to hurt her ever again. As his arms closed around her, she cried out in pain.  


'Syd...!' his confusion evident, he finally realized that he had hurt her. The weight of everything she had told him came together and kicked him square in the gut.  
  
'Let's go.' he said quietly as the anger bubbled beneath the surface.


	4. Chapter Three

****

Chapter 3  
  
'Let's go.' he said quietly as the anger bubbled beneath the surface.  
  
She didn't argue, she just followed. She was a shell, not the beautiful, vibrant, intelligent woman that Vaughn had fallen for. How much more did she have to take!  
  
As they walked out of the warehouse into the harsh sunlight, he felt her grab his hand. He looked at her and smiled so that she'd know he wasn't upset with her. With that reassurance, she held onto his hand for dear life, as if that simple contact between them was making her stronger.  
  
When they reached his car he handed her into the passenger seat as though she would break if he made the wrong move. His hand touched her arm as he withdrew from the car and he was startled to feel how thin it felt. He thought this over as he drove and dozens of horrible what-if's flew through his head.

After driving for a half an hour, he finally pulled into the parking lot of a CIA hospital on the outskirts of LA. He turned off the car then looked over at Syd, she had fallen asleep. He just sat there and stared at her with so many regrets, knowing full well what he almost lost, and all the things she would have never known.  
  
'I love you.' he choked as he reached out to stroke her cheek.  
  
As she began to stir, he collected himself and looked back at her when his emotions were in check. She was finally awake but looking at him with extreme worry in her eyes. He smiled at her and she visibly relaxed.  
  
'We're here.' he said  
  
'Where is here?' she asked.  


'A CIA hospital. We need to make sure you're alright. _I need_ to know that you're alright.' he explained.  
  
She didn't look happy about this, the despair in her eyes gave her away, but she didn't fight him. Dammit, he wish she would fight him so that he'd have piece of mind knowing the woman he knew and loved was still in there somewhere. He took her hand as he rounded the car and she plastered herself to his side. They walked into the emergency room together and he tracked down one of the doctor's he knew.  
  
'Brian!' he called down a hallway when he spotted who he was looking for.  
  
A man wearing a white lab coat with dark hair and kind blue eyes turned and walked toward the with a smile.  
  
'Mike, how ya doin'? I haven't seen you in weeks, wait a minute, no, months.' he exclaimed.  
  
'Listen Brain, I really need your help. This is Sydney Bristow and she needs to be checked over.'  


Vaughn then turned to her and explained. 'Syd, this is Dr. Brian McMaster, a friend of mine who also happens to work with us, you need to go with him and make sure you're OK.'  
  
Brian looked confused but didn't ask any questions, not yet anyway.  
  
'If you'll just come with me Agent Bristow.' he asked.  
  
She began to follow Brian down the hall but turned suddenly to look at Vaughn.  
  
'I'm not going anywhere, I promise.' he said without hesitation.  
  
She continued to follow Brian and Vaughn turned away to go find the waiting room.  
  
After two agonizing hours of worry, Brian came into the waiting room looking for Vaughn. When he spotted him Brian walked over and sat down beside him. He looked troubled and also as if he had questions that he'd want answered.  
  
'So...' Vaughn asked impatiently.  
  
Brian sighed, then rubbed his forehead. 'Is this _the _Sydney Bristow?' 

When Vaughn nodded, Brain continued. 'Well..... She is covered in cuts and bruises especially on her back, she is severely malnutritioned and dehydrated, more ribs are broken than not, her joints are so swollen I can't even begin to imagine how she can walk, she had a dislocated shoulder that was reset very poorly and to top it off, she has a fractured wrist and a severe concussion. What the Hell happened to her Mike!?!'

'I'm not sure yet. She is one of our best agents Brian and she has been missing for over three months.' Vaughn stopped and rubbed his eyes, the continued, 'I think she was captured on her last mission and held. From what she has implied, I believe she was tortured for information while they held her.'  
  
'Well that would be consistent with the injuries she has, some of which have already healed.' Brian muttered.  
  
'You won't talk about this to anyone will you? I just need some time with her to she if we can fix the damage that's been done. The CIA doesn't even know she's back yet.' Vaughn sighed.  
  
'Of course not! You can trust me.' Brian reassured him.  
  
'Does she have to stay over night?' Vaughn asked suddenly.  
  
'I'd like her to, but she has already let me know that it isn't an option. Is there anyway you could stay with her to make sure she drinks, eats, and sleeps? Brian asked hopefully.  
  
Vaughn just gave him a look that said _Try to stop me. _  



	5. Chapter Four

****

Chapter 4  
  
_Just try to stop me..._  
  
That particular thought played over and over in Vaughn's head as he went to find Sydney.   
  
Absolutely no one could stop him from seeing her again.  
  
He walked cautiously into the examining room that Brian had said she'd be in and spotted her right away. For the third time that day, he stopped and simply gazed at her constantly worrying that none of it was real, that she wasn't real. She was sitting quietly on the edge of the examining table, hands in her lap, staring out a window with her back to the rest of the room.   
  
She looked so defeated.  
  
This wasn't the same person that he'd known three months ago, he could read that person like a book. The person sitting on that bed only feet away was like a stranger to him, but he knew in his heart that he loved her, no questions asked. 

She didn't hear him come in, she just sat there, shoulders hunched and her hair covering the majority of her face as if she was trying to hide. He remembered that she had told him once that having her hair in her face bothered her quite a bit, today it was like a security blanket.  
  
He walked up behind her and rounded the table, he then gently grasped her hand. Vaughn was surprised when she didn't even flinch, she just sat there and continued to stare out the window.   
  
Maybe she had known he was there after all.  
  
They both sat, hand in hand, staring out the window until Brian found them a half an hour later. Vaughn sighed and reluctantly went over to him in the doorway.  
  
'Can she leave yet?' he asked Brian.  


  
'Yeah, but I really don't like it Mike.' Brian said pointing his finger at Vaughn punctuating the words.  
'Here is my cell phone number if she has any trouble at all, I mean it, any trouble. She is definitely going to need a psych evaluation but I'd rather not do that here, we'll figure that out later. For the time being she needs fluids badly, we given her some through IV but she has a long way to go. She also needs some food if she can handle it and she is well past the point of exhaustion, so here are some sedatives that will get her some deep, hopefully uninterrupted, sleep.' Brian explained.  
  
Vaughn was paying attention to him and he nodded to show that he had heard him but his eyes never left Sydney. Suddenly, his brain got the better of him.  
  
'Is she OK Brain?' he asked quietly.  
  
'Eventually, she'll be physically fine, is that what you mean?' Brian replied.  
  
When Vaughn didn't answer, Brian knew what he had meant.  
  
'I really don't know Mike. I tried to talked to her while I bandaged her up but she just stared out that window the whole time.' Brian said with a small sigh.  


Vaughn thanked him for all he had done, then Brian left the room with a nod.  
  
A million thoughts went through Vaughn's mind as he tried to decide what to do next. His main concern was her so he headed back over and touched her lightly on the arm. She didn't respond so he ended up having to call her name a couple of times as well. She looked up at him with confusion but recognition quickly pushed it's way into her eyes.

'We can go now that you are all fixed up.' he said gently knowing full well that she was so far from being _all fixed up_.  
  
When he said this, the look of relief that crossed her face was evident. She all but jumped off the table and ran across the room. He had to hurry to catch up to her but when he did, she had that death grip on his hand again. He pulled that hand out of hers and wrapped his arm around her shoulders careful not to hurt her again. She laid her head against his chest and grabbed his other hand instead as Vaughn thought to himself,  
  
_It's going to be a long night._


	6. Chapter Five

****

Chapter 5

__

It's going to be a long night.

Vaughn warred with himself all the way to his apartment over whether or not he should call certain people, those people being Jack, the CIA etc….

__

What if they come and take her from you? his subconscious asked. Vaughn looked over at her startled with that possibility. No, he wasn't ready for that yet, he just got her back.

By the time he got them to his apartment, he had decided that he was just going to lay low with her for a couple of days. He wanted to get a handle on the whole situation and also to see how bad things were with her before anyone else started to poke and prod her. In the back of his mind, though, he was very aware of how bad Jack Bristow was going to hurt him when he found all of this out. Jack had become a recluse since Sydney had gone missing, she was all he had left and Vaughn realized the last time he spoke to him just how much Jack loved her. He had begged him to bring his little girl back but that was something Jack knew deep down that Vaughn was already moving heaven and earth to do.

He got out of the car and went to the passenger side to help her out knowing full well that she'd need him, what he didn't realize on the ride over was that she had fallen asleep yet again. 

_So much for those sedatives Brian, all you needed to prescribe was a dose of me…_Vaughn thought to himself wryly.

He bent down and picked her up as gently as he could so that he wouldn't hurt her again and the shock of how little she weighed made him almost drop her. Another wave of anger coursed through him and he vowed that someone would pay for this. He got her inside and was about to place her on the guest room bed when she woke with a start breathing heavily.

'Hey! It's okay, I've got you, you're safe.' he murmured as he gathered her closer.

He felt her relax so he put her down on the bed and told her he'd be right back. He ran into his room to grab an old t-shirt then he went to the kitchen to get a glass of water but by the time he had gotten back to the spare room she had fallen asleep again.

__

How long has she gone without sleep? he wondered to himself incredulously. He hated to do it but he woke her up so that she could change and take the pills that Brian had given him. _I wish I could live this for her… _he thought as she came back into the room. He helped her back into the bed and kissed her on the forehead as he pulled the blankets around her.

'You aren't going to leave are you?' she asked worried.

'If you want me to stay, I will.' he replied

She closed her eyes relieved that he would be near if she needed him and he thought that this would give him a chance to straighten things out and get his thoughts in order but he couldn't shake the feeling though that he should call Jack. He waited until she fell asleep then he went in search of his cell phone.

'Yes.' Jack replied after he picked up the phone.

'Jack, it's Vaughn.' 

Almost immediately Vaughn could feel the tension over the phone.

'You've found her!' Jack exclaimed.

'No, she found me. She called me today and we met like usual, things don't look good Jack.' Vaughn explained.

'Where are you now?' Jack asked with a little more composure.

'She's with me at my apartment. I took her to get checked over but….'

'I'll be right there.' Jack said as he disconnected the call.

Vaughn knew he had done the right thing, now he only hoped that Jack would listen to him when he tried to rationalize why she should stay with him.


	7. Chapter Six

****

Chapter 6

After Vaughn got off the phone with Jack, he called Weiss to let him know he'd need some time off.

'Hello?'

'Hey, it's me. Listen, could you let Devlin know that I am taking a week or so off?' Vaughn asked.

Weiss exclaimed, 'Sure! Man, he'll probably throw a party. He's been after you to take some time off since…'

'Yeah, I know.' Vaughn replied not wanting to fight over how much time he had devoted to finding Syd, 'I'll see you some time next week OK?'

'Sounds good. Relax Buddy!' Weiss said good naturedly.

As they both said their goodbyes, there was a knock at the door. Vaughn looked at his watch as he turned off his phone and saw that only ten minutes had passed since he talked to Jack.

__

Jesus Jack! he thought to himself as he opened the door.

'Hey.' Jack said.

He was a mess! It took Vaughn a moment to register who this was and then he realized how horrible he himself must have looked after he got her call.

'Vaughn…' Jack started impatiently.

'Sorry, Yeah, she's in here.' Vaughn replied as he lead the way to the spare room. As they entered the room, Vaughn prayed that Jack would be okay because the more he looked at Sydney the more he saw how much she had changed from what she was.

'Oh God…' Jack breathed as he walked over to the side of the bed.

Vaughn stayed in the doorway and just watched ready to plead his case at a moments notice. Jack stared at his daughter trying to fathom what she had been through but both men knew in the back of their minds that no matter what, they would never have an inkling of understanding for what she had lived through. Vaughn watched as Jack bent down to brush a lock of hair from the side of her face and was startled when Jack kissed her on the forehead.

'I am so sorry baby girl.' he whispered, his voice breaking.

Vaughn decided that he needed to leave and turned to do so but Jack stopped him.

'How long has she been asleep?'

'About half an hour.'

Jack nodded as if to say he accepted this but didn't want to. Vaughn understood what he was feeling, he wanted to see her awake, smiling, talking, and laughing like they were both used to. Instead he was seeing a bruised, broken, and weak woman lying in that bed who resembled his daughter. Jack got up and left the room and Vaughn followed with a lingering look toward the bed.

Once they made it back to the living room, Jack started asking questions right away. Vaughn answer every last one of them to the best of his ability but said nothing more, he wanted Jack to say what was on his mind.

'I want her to stay here with you Vaughn.' he stated.

Vaughn looked at him dumbfounded.

'Pardon me?' he stammered.

'You have proven that you would lay down your life for her, and you have on more than one occasion. She came to you first so it is obvious where she feels safe, and I definitely don't want her hurt anymore. I know that you will do whatever you have to to prevent that from happening.' Jack explained.

'Thank-you.' Vaughn whispered.

'I just have one more question before I go, does she know yet?' Jack asked.

'No, I haven't told her yet.'

'Maybe we should hold off on that then for the time being, we have no idea how she'll react. I'll ask Barnett to set up an appointment for her and we can decide what to do from there.' Jack decided.

'Whatever you feel is best Jack, I'm behind you one hundred percent.' Vaughn replied.  



	8. Chapter Seven

****

Chapter 7

Vaughn didn't sleep at all that night thinking that if she needed him, he'd be there. Sitting on the floor next to the bed with his back propped up against the wall, he watched her breath in and out rhythmically over and over again. Once in awhile that rhythm was interrupted when she began to get upset. He was at her side in seconds to whisper that he was there and that everything was ok as he ran the back of his fingers down her silky cheek. The same pattern repeated itself throughout the night and eventually Vaughn just ended up beside her, holding her, so that she could get some deep sleep.

The next day Sydney woke around lunchtime and noticed right away that Vaughn was not in the room with her anymore. She frantically began searching form room to room trying to find him so that the immense feeling of dread that she woke with would go away. When she couldn't find him, she stopped to think about possibilities for him not being there. It was then that she realized that the shower was running and relief flooded over her. She still couldn't shake the dread but she knew deep down that it wouldn't completely leave until she saw him. She slid down the wall by the bathroom door and waited for him with her knees drawn up to her chest and her heart in her throat.

When Vaughn came out of the bathroom he immediately thought that something was wrong. Something just wasn't right and he hoped that Syd was still sleeping as he went to go check something caught his eye. As he looked down he saw her slumped against the wall with her chin resting on her knees. She was shaking like a leaf and was so pale that it scared him. He ran into his room and ripped the duvet off of his bed, back in the hall he gently wrapped her up and carried her back into his room.

'Don't leave me…..Where did you go…..I'm so cold…..' she was clutching at his chest just muttering like a child.

'Détentes Syd, essai de dormir.' he said rapidly not even realizing he was speaking French. 'Merde, que dans l'efer allons-nous faire?' he wondered aloud.

He needed her to just go back to sleep so that he could figure out what to do next. He leaned back against the headboard taking her with him and began to sing.

**__**

'Toute la nuit, toute la journée, anges observant au-dessus de vous. 

Toute la nuit, toute la journée, anges observant au-dessus de vous. 

Le soleil un-place dans l'ouest; anges observant au-dessus de vous. 

Dorment mon amour, prennent votre repos; anges observant au-dessus de vous. 

Toute la nuit, toute la journée, anges observant au-dessus de vous. 

Toute la nuit, toute la journée, anges observant au-dessus de vous.' 

As he sang he had begun to cry at the hopelessness of the entire situation, thankfully Sydney had drifted off, albeit fitfully, to sleep. Vaughn just sat there with her in his arms and his cheek resting on her head just thinking.

__

I can't do this, she's getting worse and all I can do is sing some dumb lullaby. I'm not making her feel any better, I make it worse even if I leave the room. I love her but I can't help her…

He laid her down gently making sure that she was completely asleep, the he went to call Dr. Barnett.


	9. Chapter Eight

****

Chapter 8   
  
Dr. Barnett walked out of her office and was instantly pounced on by Vaughn.  
  
'Well?' he asked impatiently.  
  
'Agent Vaughn, I can't release anything that I have learned from my patient to anyone , including you. Of all people, you should know that.' she said gently.  
'I will say this though, don't give up on her, she depends on you like you wouldn't believe. Everything may seem hopeless right now, but this is going to take time. She has only been back a day, I am surprised that she told you as much as she has.'  
  
'To dream is happiness, to wait is life.' Vaughn muttered.  
  
'That is extremely insightful Agent Vaughn and I think that you know it applies here more than ever.' she patted his arm and walked away.  
  
The only thing was that Syd and Vaughn's 'relationship' had only ever been was dreams and waiting, Vaughn wanted to be happy and Syd deserved to be happy.   


Dr. Barnett understood what Vaughn had meant and that he was losing hope that the waiting would ever be over. She also understood that they were there to save each other, they just had one more hurdle to jump.  
  
As Vaughn was pondering these new thoughts and words from Dr. Barnett, Syd made her way towards him from the office. He noticed that she looked no better from when he had brought her in but what really made him upset was that she looked worse, if that was possible.  
  
'Let's get the hell out of here.' he spat out as he guided her out the door with his hand on the small of her back.  
  
They made it back to his place but instead of her talking to him, she headed straight to the guest room. He followed her not knowing what to do, say or think.  
  
'Syd...' he began.  
  
'Just leave me alone.' she whispered, interrupting him.  


OK. That hurt. he thought as he slowly turned and walked from the room. He looked back only once and instantly regretted it. She had curled up into the fetal position and was crying as though her heart was breaking.  
  
He went into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. He tried to remember what Dr. Barnett had said to him earlier, but all he could come up with was that he couldn't help her. He wasn't good enough to break her out of whatever hell she had imprisoned herself in. He finally surmised that the reason for all of these shortcomings was that he didn't love her enough or he would know exactly what to do right now.  


As he sat and pondered these morbid thoughts for what seemed like hours, he felt her arms come around him from behind.  
  
'Please don't give up on me. I just need time, please don't give up.' she whispered into his ear. She kissed the nape of his neck and withdrew her arms.  
  
When he turned around, she was gone. 


	10. Chapter Nine

****

Chapter 9   
  
For the next couple of weeks they both fell into a type of routine. Vaughn ended up going back to work after he knew that Syd would be ok by herself and Syd went to regular sessions with Dr. Barnett to try and work through her demons, try as they may though she was no where near to what she had been. One night after Syd had returned from an appointment with Dr. Barnett she disappeared on Vaughn after they had dinner. When he finally got up the courage to go and look for her, he found her in his room staring at a picture that he kept beside his bed.  
  
'She used to sing you that song didn't she?' Syd asked without even looking up.  
  
She always had that way of startling him with her ability to know whenever he walked into a room without her actually seeing him. He was confused as well wondering what she was talking about but he quickly realized that she was looking at a picture of his mother and thinking about the lullaby he had sung her weeks before. He walked over to the bed and sat down beside her, stretching his legs out in front of him.  


'Yeah, she loved that song. I think she loved it even more though when my Dad died.' he explained as he took the picture from her and stared at it thoughtfully.  
  
'Vaughn?' she asked quietly.  
  
'Hmmm...' he replied deep in thought.  
  
'I need to get something off of my chest. Dr. Barnett suggested that I do this...' she said trailing off.  
  
'Okay, I....' he began.  


'No. Let me just say it or I will never have the courage to say it later. I have been keeping something from you for a long time now and you have a right to know because it affects you as much as it affects me. The main reason I need to tell you any of this is because I will never be able to move on from here if I don't make my feelings known. When you were a field agent, they trained you for the possibility that you would be captured and tortured right?'  
  
When he nodded, she continued.

'They tell you to displace, split your focus. I wonder if they know how impossible that is when you are in the middle of Chinese water torture or being hung upside down so the all the fluid in your body collects in your joints. Did you know that when that happens, it hurts to even breathe?' she asked.  
  
When she looked over at him, his eyes were closed tightly and tears were slowly making their way down his face. She reached out to take his hand, she knew that he was doing everything in his power to stay in control.  
  
'Nothing that I ever learned from the CIA or SD-6 helped me over there, nothing. I started to envision what I wanted my life to be like and all I could think of was you. Suddenly the pain went away and I felt as though I had something to live for. Before I ended up over there, everything back here seemed so hopeless, SD-6 would never go away, I would always be alone, I would never be able to tell you how I feel and worst of all, we would never be able to be together the way I want us to be. Do you realize that you are my best friend Vaughn? For God's Sake, just the thought of you and what I might have was enough to save my life!' she said with conviction.  


'When I met with Dr. Barnett a couple of weeks ago, she made me realize so many things. Most of what she drilled into to me I already knew but I just wasn't acknowledging any of it especially your feelings for me.' She stopped and looked over at him. He had a wry smile on his lips but looked so defeated like he had already made up his mind about something. Several minutes passed before she spoke again.  
  
'I love you with all of my heart Vaughn. You are the peace that I have been looking for all of my life but what really hurts is that I can't ever have you, not really.' she said quietly.  
  
Out of nowhere he spoke not caring that what he said next could have a devastating impact on everything.  
  
'You are so wrong. You really can have me because SD-6 was destroyed the day after you went missing.' he explained.


	11. Chapter Ten

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Chapter 10

__

Who's got my back now?  
When all we have left is deceptive  
So disconnected  
So what is the truth now?  


'You never told me!' she spat out, 'You lied to me.'

'Syd, you've…' he began.

'I've what? Just got to let you explain, I don't think I want to listen to this Vaughn. You know damn well what taking them down meant to me!' she yelled. 'Did you even think about me before you just went ahead and did it? I was coming back, and you just gave up on me, just like that, a day after I had gone missing! MISSING Vaughn, not dead, missing….' she trailed off.

'I can't believe you did this to me, that was MY job, I needed to be there when it was finally over and now that has been taken away from me as well. How can I ever trust you again if you would keep something like that from me…' she muttered.

Vaughn had listened to her rant, heard the accusations that flew from her mouth and pierced him through the heart but finally, he had heard enough.

'You are acting just like a spoiled child, do you realize that?' he yelled.

'Of course we thought of you, I have been thinking about you constantly since the day I met you. I am not going to apologize for what I did Syd, that is never going to happen so don't hold your breath waiting. Your father came to me and told me you never returned and that no one could trace you, trust me, I lost it when I heard those words. My first thought was that the other shoe had finally dropped, that you had been taken away like I had been expecting for so long now. The next day Devlin told me that the data collected from another mission would take SD-6 down and I jumped at the chance to be on that op, to make sure the job got done, for you. ' he explained in a controlled voice.

He got up and began to pace, letting those words sink in for her. Finally he couldn't stand the tension anymore so he sighed and continued, 'I give everything for the people I love or I don't give at all, there is no in between on that one. You just said that you love me Syd and if this is going to change that then maybe your feelings aren't what you thought they were. All I know is that I do love you and if that isn't enough for you, then I'm done, I have nothing left to give because you have it all.'

And with that he left the bedroom. She heard the apartment door slam a few moments later and ran to the window. When she looked down all she saw was the man she loved looking so defeated, more so than she had ever seen. He held his leather jacket in one hand and was rubbing his eyes with the other, after a moment or two she saw him straighten and put the jacket on as he strode away. As she fell to the floor, something told her this was going to be bad, that he would not be coming back.

For hours she just sat there playing over and over in her mind the hateful words that she had said to him, and the beautiful words that he had said to her. He was right, how could she profess her love to him one minute, the denounce the whole thing the next? She knew deep down that it wasn't Vaughn she was mad at, he was the one who constantly had her back, who soothed her when needed, who loved her unconditionally, who would put himself in danger time after time just for her, the list was endless. What had she done, accused him of failing her, deceiving her, not loving her, not once through this whole mess had she sat down and thought about what he had gone through, not once! The only person she had been concerned about the past few weeks was herself. Sure, in the beginning, she needed him or else she wouldn't be where she was now, but there was a point where she had become self reliant again but she still took from him and didn't give back. She thought for a long time what she would have done if their roles had been reversed, if he had gone missing and she was left to pick up the pieces and what she came up with scared her half to death. She asked herself one final question before she climbed up into his bed , would she even be here if it wasn't for him?

She knew damn well that the answer was no.


	12. Chapter Eleven

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Chapter 11

Vaughn walked into his room later that night trying to decide what to do. He tossed his coat in the direction of the closet and moved toward the bed, the sight that met him took his breathe away. Sydney was laying on her side with her knees drawn up to her chest and in her hands she held the picture of him and his mom. He pulled a chair from across the room and sat by the bed just watching her sleep. He began to think a little more about how insignificant this stupid fight was considering all that they'd had almost lost but on the other hand realized that she had been clinging to that final reality since the day he met her. Every time he looked back on that day he smiled, he had thought that she was a full-fledged crazy person until she made her little double/triple statement. She won him over with that mind boggling sentence and he knew then that they would end up together, eventually.

Well, here's eventually.

Vaughn sat for hours just staring at her as he'd done before, but this time it was different, she was peaceful. No nightmares, no restless tossing and turning, she was actually sleeping. He decided to try and get some sleep as well so that he'd be able to keep up with her in the morning to put this whole mess behind them and start their new life. He went around the other side of the bed and fell asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

When Sydney woke the next morning she slowly took in her surroundings realizing that she wasn't in her room but Vaughn's instead. The actuality of the previous night crowded her mind before she could think of anything else. She rolled to her other side and felt that her hand was being held by someone, staring at the man she knew she loved, the tears came quickly. _He came back!_

He looked so peaceful as he slept and she vowed from that day on she'd do whatever it took to make sure he looked like that always. She smoothed her hand over his forehead and smiled as she remembered all the times that same forehead had been covered in lines of worry over her. At her touch, Vaughn began to stir and as he did, his grip on her hand tightened as if he didn't want to let go. She waited, frightened, as to what he would say when he realized where he was.

'Good morning beautiful.' he said without hesitation.

'I…..' she began, but ended up throwing herself at him instead. Holding on for dear life and whispering into his neck, she began again,

'I am so sorry for all that I said, you deserve so much better than all this shit.'

'Let me ask you something and I want you to answer me honestly .' he said

'Do you really believe that there is anything out there that is better than you? As far as I am concerned, you are the best there is.' he said softly.

He had noticed that she had started to cry quietly when she was hugging him but now, with everything he had just said, she was crying all the harder. Eventually she ended up falling asleep again and Vaughn shifted so that they would both be comfortable. As time passed he came to the conclusion that they were not over any of their problems, they were all right there at the surface, raw and irritated. He promised himself right then that nothing was going to take her away from him so they would work all of it out no matter what. They both had secrets that were never going to heal if they didn't talk to each other.


	13. Chapter Twelve

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Chapter 12

About a week after their fight, the decision was made that Syd would stay with Vaughn indefinitely. The CIA had known about her return for quite some time but they weren't pushing her for anything. Her friends all knew that she was back and that she was alright, most of them were a little confused, though, by the about face that her life had taken. She had also had taken a sabbatical from school being assured by her counselors that she could return in the fall.

Life was great for her.

Right. As she lay in bed one night, all she could think of was how she felt like she was sitting limbo, just waiting for something to happen. Sure SD-6 was gone and she could begin her life with Vaughn but it felt like everything was wrong.

She was absolutely miserable.

Suddenly she jumped out of bed tossing on clothing as she went and disappeared out into the night.

It didn't take Vaughn long to find her, two guesses to be exact. When he finally reached the pier, he spotted her immediately. He went up behind her and placed his arms around her surprised that she didn't react.  


__

'I knew it was you.' she said in answer to his unspoken question.  
  
_'Why are you all the way out here in the middle of the night?_ he asked gently. _'It's damn cold you know!'_ he said tightening his arms around her.  
  
She giggled at this but her mood quickly turned somber.   
  
_'Need to talk?'_ he asked quietly.  
  
_'I'm lost.'_ she stated simply.  
  
Vaughn kissed her temple and just let her take her time.  
Turning in his arms, she lay her head against his chest and closed her eyes.

__

'I finally have everything that I have worked so hard to get but I am so stir crazy! I have said time and time again that I hate being a spy but I don't know how to be anything else. What good am I to anyone, honestly? I am no closer to getting a job as a teacher than I was before and even if I get a job I can only do it part time thanks to my latest escapades. I cannot sit around that apartment one more day Vaughn, I swear. I want everything to be okay and I have no idea how to get there. I just want to be happy and I'm not.'  
  
Vaughn let her finish even though he wanted to interrupt the words that were tearing him apart.  
  
_'First of all, NEVER question your worth. You know damn well that you are precious to so many of us and you have always refused to believe this. Secondly, I am always here to help. I am hearing what you are saying and wondering to myself how long you have been sitting on this. Do you not know that I would die for you? This is nothing that we can't fix Syd!'_  



	14. Quick Note

Hey Guys!  
  
I want to say a quick thank you for all of the wonderful reviews. Each of them made me feel a lot better about posting this fic. I do have a quick question, what do you guys want to see next?  
I have been stuck in a rut since before Christmas and I have no idea where to go next. Any ideas that you might have would be welcome… J 

Cassie


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